As some of my past blog post may show, I have an odd sense of
humor….
Thankfully I married a man who totally gets me and is touched with same
warped goofiness as I am.
We act a bit juvenile at times….constantly joking
around with one another and the majority of our antics are the sort most folks
just wouldn't “get”...
Sarcasm is our language & it’s not uncommon for
things like practical jokes, mock battles and water fights to spontaneously
happen in this house…. In many ways,
Jerimiah & I are complete opposites and I think the humor and the ability
to goof off without reserve is what has held us together for almost 10 years.
These antics are the cause for my upcoming
tale….
Typically, Jerimiah & I rarely have time together thanks to a
job that has him traveling quite a bit these days…One rare weekend that he actually
got to be home, we were sitting at the table after breakfast with my mom having
some lighthearted debate (honestly cannot tell you what the discussion was
even was about now).
He chimed in with a random comment to which I replied: “Stooopid” in an exaggerated cartoony type voice.
This of course was the start of one of our usual banters and my poor mother was
already rolling her eyes at us….
For retaliation he playfully reached out to kick me in the shin….
However, his playful kick connected a lil better than he had planned and it
hurt like the dickens! Of course, retaliation from me was in order and it was “on
like Donkey Kong!”
We carried on like this for a while, harassing each other and at
some point during all of this foolishness my mom decided to leave us to it…. In
the end, I eventually scored the last bit in our game and went to go sort some
laundry in the living room……
Of course I didn't let my guard down though…. I knew retaliation
was coming in some form, despite the fake innocent look on Jerimiah’s face and
false declarations of “truce”… . Perhaps retaliation would come in the form of
a wedgie, or worse, maybe he’d tickle me to death….. I knew must remain ever
vigilant, even while getting some necessary chores done…. I’m female after all
and I rule the domain of multitasking!
It’s early in the day, kind of a lazy day
with nothing very pressing, so I hadn't got around to putting my contacts in
yet and I was basically blind. I see him enter the living room and he’s got that look. I KNOW he’s up to something and
I’m NOT buying that sweet, innocent act. He acts perfectly normal, very
nonchalant, and I return to my task….
I’m tense and ready for whatever trouble he’s got brewing in that mischievous
mind of his…. I hear him approach
quickly behind me, I spin and see the hand by his side start to rise and
instinctively I reach out and grab it to thwart whatever he has planned…. I’m
thinking there’s a mega wedgie in my future and I intend to turn the tables on
him… The next thing I register is PAIN….
Pain! Hot, awful pain shoots through my palm and
I hit the floor!! It burns and it feels like the very insides of my hand and
arm are just buzzing with the intensity of the pain…. My brain is a bit fuzzy,
trying frantically to catch up with the events around me….
Jerimiah is bent over me, very concerned, apologizing profusely
and I’m sitting there thinking: “I
am down, though last I recall I was up… .. I just peed my pants and I don’t
know why”.
He’s actually getting on to me, scolding me, asking “Why did you
do that?!?!”
Do WHAT I wonder….surely I didn't cause the
burning in my hand and I dang sure did not intend to pee my pants….. I glance
at my hand… it’s tingling now, the pain is starting to ease a bit and directly
in the center of my palm are 2 glowing red dots side by side. Kind of like a
miniature vampire bit me… A miniature vampire with hot fangs and the ability to
make me relinquish control of my bladder …. There’s no blood or broken skin,
only these dots and the first traces of bruising underneath the skin....
You’re wondering what on earth happened
right?? Well I’ll break it down for you.
Hubby bought me a hand held taser, it’s
not very big, and fits in your palm with the “on” button held upward for easy
access for your thumb. It’s an ingenious lil device and though I've never been
mugged, there is not a doubt in my mind that this sucker wouldn't stop someone
dead in their tracks.
And before you go getting the wrong idea,
NO my husband would never, ever willingly cause me pain of any sort. We kid
around quite a bit, but never set out to hurt one another….that’s just warped.
His intention was to sneak up behind me while I appeared to be so engrossed
with the laundry, and pop the thing in the air, thus startling me with the
loud, shocking noise. What he didn't factor into his plan is the fact that I
was not engrossed in my task…I was on edge, waiting for his next move. Thanks
to the lack of contacts, I couldn't see anything in his hand, just the hand….
So when I reached out, I grabbed his hand
firmly –intending on taking full control of the situation- and in doing so, I
pushed that button on the top of the taser. The current hits me, grabs me and
holds on tight! My muscles seize, contract, forcing my hand to take an even
tighter grip on the taser..... Poor hubby is trying very hard to get it away
from me but I simply can’t let go. Literally, my hand was glued to that demon
spawned, bladder emptying inferno…. After what feels like an insanely hot
eternity (in all actuality, it was mere seconds), he finally wrestles the taser
away from me and I hit the floor, hurt hand, wet pants and all.
He’s torn between worry, laughter and I
think he’s a bit mad too. “Why
on earth did you GRAB THE TASER CRYSTAL?” “What were you thinking?!” …”Are you
okay?”…..”I am so sorry, let me see it”…
All the while I am slightly bewildered: “Why did you ELECTROCUTE me you jerk?!” “That’s not funny!” “The Taser is NOT a toy!” “And no I’m not okay, my hand hurts, my arm burns and I peed on myself!”
It took a bit for the SHOCK of it all to fade from my muddled brain and for me to realize what happened. You would think I would be angry, but once the pain ended, I found myself hysterically laughing at the entire situation. Of course I would be the only person to essentially tase myself!! Jerimiah spent half of the day apologizing at random and even offered for me to get a freebie on him as payback, which I declined. I must confess, some days I’m tempted to take him up on that offer, but somehow I think the offer to return the shock was kind of a one day, one shot kind of deal….
Not sure if there is any sort of moral or
purpose to this story. Perhaps I could say: “Don’t
be lazy and put your contacts in every day when you wake up” or “Tasers
are not toys” ..or maybe
even: “Be sure to empty your
bladder before engaging in a battle of any sort” ….
Or I could go all sentimental on y’all and say: “Enjoy your loved ones, always be
able to laugh at yourself and remember you’re never too old to play….though
play involving tasers isn’t condoned nor is it recommended…take it from someone
with 1st HAND experience!”
Hardy har har....I know that was corny, but deal with it :)