Playtime in Noodleville

Following up on the tail of my hay blog, I thought I’d share some semi-related pictures..

Being the youngest, and smallest of the group of bottle kids, Tricks has always had a different routine. She is fed milk outside of the pen to ensure she gets her fair share and at this point she’s the only bottle kid still on milk.

On her trips out, the munchkins often kidnapped her for play time… They race each other, play “King of the Dirt Pile” and the munchkins have been known to share their snacks with her… Basically, she’s a rotten mess who is convinced she’s one of the kiddos.

When we first unloaded the hay, we just shoved it off the trailer and wherever it landed is where it stayed until we borrowed the hay spike.

The kids (and Tricks) found these to be great toys and would climb up them and jump from bale to bale….

Playing “King of the Bale” is much, much more fun than “King of the Dirt Pile", plus, if you’re quick enough, you can dash down the line and conquer the bale on the end first… Needless to say the kiddos (both human & goat) had a blast. What munchkin needs video games when they have imagination, enthusiastic goat kids, and rows of hay bales???

Snapped these pics when they took a lil break:

Tricks & one of the barn cats enjoying the hay bale..

I missed the shot, but this picture was snapped right after I caught Shayla holding the sucker out so Tricks could have a few licks.... According to her, they were taking a "sucker break" & the grape swirl she's got in her mouth is Tricks' favorite flavor...  Nothing like goat slobber to enhance a sucker eh?

In the midst of trying to rake up old hay so we could put in the new round bale, Bleuberry found the wheel barrow to be a great perch to reach a few mesquite branches… Mostly though, I think she just climbed in there to be a pest.

These have nothing to do with the hay… Just candid shots of Rosie & Tricks while out on a walk…

Gotta love those flapping Nubian ears...

Tricks all bristled up watching the neighbor's cattle..

We May Burn Down The Town......

But neither fire, nor broken truck will keep me from bringing my goats home some hay!!

Just as he did last year when he played "The Hay Fairy", my father in law has saved me this winter... He baled up quite a bit of very weedy mixed grass hay and on a trip up for a visit, he loaded me up with 4 round bales to bring home…. With the drought, and no grazing here in west Texas, hay has been hard to find and even harder to afford... Rounds are averaging $120.00 each.... Small grass squares are in the $12.00 range and I won't even talk about the surge in grain prices.....

Forget diamonds and pretty things, give this gal a gift of hay and nothing makes me happier!

As my readers may have noticed, NOTHING in my life, even the most mundane task, can be simple.

Oh no, everything I attempt to do must have extravagant fanfare, drama, or in this case, FIRE.

Trucking on along with a trailer load of hay, I was blissfully happy. Nothing better for me than the security of having hay… Jerimiah is driving, I’m discussing where we are going to store it and we’re hoping traffic won’t be bad as we are just outside of Dallas/Fort Worth….

Cars behind us, and one very slow car in front of us… We move on over to the far left lane to pass and just as we start getting up past them, we feel this bone jarring *thud*….. The trailer broke loose, with four, 900+lbs bales of hay, in the middle of traffic….

Ya ever wanna clear metroplex traffic, just lose a trailer and watch those folks scatter!! Hate to admit it, but the look on the other driver’s faces was just fabulous…... Yes, I am aware that my sense of humor is warped...

Gotta hand it to Jerimiah, he pulled some slick maneuvering. Swerved the truck in front of the trailer, it smacked right into us, and he was able to get it across the lanes of traffic and into the bar ditch.

Had a terrifying moment when we split a large sign…. His truck went to the left, the trailer went to the right, just barely missing it by about 4ft!

We jump out, absolutely astonished that we didn’t take out the sign and didn’t cause a wreck… Only to panic about the possible damage we did to my father in law’s trailer…. You never, ever tear up something when it belongs to you, but I’ll be damned if the first time you borrow something, ya end up breaking it..

Ok, I admit, I was a lil shaken, and was giggling like a fool…. Couldn’t go look at the trailer as I just knew it was busted and twisted up… Jerimiah checks it out and yells: “It’s alright!! The trailer is FINE, it was my truck bumper that snapped off and my truck bed is warped!”

Giddy with relief and our freakish stroke of good luck in a bad luck ordeal, I kneel beside him to check it out…. He’s giving it a good once over and I’m staring above his head in disbelief…

 “Honey….. Honey… It’s not ok, can you call 911?!?”




I may giggle like a fool, but hubby poses with disaster.... You can see the poles of the sign we barely missed in the background...

 He stands & looks in the direction I’m staring in and I’ll not type here the words that came out of his mouth next….

Check out our lovely lil fire...... Fire department just arrived...

The trailer, scraping across the asphalt, sparked a nice fire, catching a huge stretch of the bar ditch on fire, and thanks to the dry grass, it was spreading quickly…

With us, it never ends, I swear, I don't know why anything even shocks me anymore.....

Poor Jerimiah, my giggling while he called 911 probably didn’t help, but it was either hysterics or giggles… Giggles don’t bother the kids like hysterics would..

Our bumperless, warped truck..

Anywho, once again, luck was on our side and the fire department came & got the blaze out before it did more than burn a bunch of grass, and by some miracle, we didn’t get a ticket!

I also didn’t get my hay that day....... Had to call my father in law since the truck was broke and he hooked up and toted my pretty load of hay back home with him… Such a sad sight.

Ya know how they say good things come to those who wait?? Well, I was chomping at the bit to bring home my hay, and a few months later, we were finally able to trek back up there again, and this time my father in law loaned us his big pretty trailer and put 10, yes I said TEN, round bales up there for me…. Couldn’t have made me happier!

We made it home in one piece, didn’t wreck, burn or break anything, though I must confess after we pushed that 4^th round off by hand, I wasn’t loving the fact that we had 6 more to push off….

My nice lil hay stash all lined up..

This weekend we borrowed a hay spike to put on our itty bitty tractor to get those bales moved……

It doesn’t look like the prettiest hay in the pictures, but once you peel off that outside layer, the inside smells fabulous, has a lot of green and is chock full of big leafy weeds that the goats just LOVE.




Sweet Miss Ginger....

We put one bale in the grown does pen and smooshed it against the fence so the bucks could share it, then tied a panel across the front so they wouldn't jump all over it & waste it... You can see Tonka and my new Alpine herdsire, Austin, hanging out in the background. Doe in the picture is the almost 9 year old doe, Ginger, who I brought home in the back of my car on that last road trip mom & I took.. She is Heidi's dam...

　
And here is Star enjoying the new bale.... Yet another doe I never got around to introducing here.... Star and a cute lil Lamancha doeling named Mocha came this summer after Casper went on to her new home.... I'm up to 10 goats total now: 1 Alpine buck, 4 Alpine does, 1 Lamancha buck, 3 Lamancha does and of course, our 1 token Nubian... The very generous gift of hay will definately see us through the winter...

Thankfully all the goats are in hog heaven and are just crazy about this hay... Had they turned their noses up at it, I think I would have had a nervous melt down after all the drama we went through to get it here....

A Trip Back in Time...

Nothing better to make you feel old than to watch your munchkins grow up way too fast....

Clayton turned 9 years old in March and Shayla turned 7 years old at the end of April.... And yes, I realize it's August, but I have a back load of partial blogs stashed in my drafts and I'm just now getting around to posting them.... Better late than never right??

ANYWHO....

I really hate birthday parties...... REALLY HATE THEM.

Last year we did the whole pizza party thing at the arcade. Kids had a blast.... I, on the other hand, couldn't help glancing at the fake guns wistfully wishing they could put me out of my misery for at least an hour.....

This year, I asked if the kids would like a trip vs. a party. If they really had their hearts set on  party, then I would suffer through it.... That's what parents do.... Parties are almost as bad as "The Night of Horror"...

No, no.......let me take that back, the night of horror ended quickly, where as the parties full of hyper screaming kids torture you in a slow, methodical manner with no end in sight.....

Thankfully, my kids were agreeable to the trip idea!

Clayton, being my lil brain with aspirations to be a paleontologist really enjoyed the day at Dinosaur Valley State Park in Glen Rose, Texas. He enjoyed the preserved tracks and loved the river, though crossing it by hopping across the stones didn't work out quite like we planned.... The water was deeper than it looked, still quite chilly, and Shayla fell in... We all ended up with soaked jeans/boots.



A bit shocked by the foot size?!




Kicked back in a preserved dino track...



When we finished up our explorations, we hit Dino World for some shopping.... Clayton, of course, picked out more fossils for his collection.

For Shayla's birthday, we went to East Texas to spend the weekend with her Pawpaw & Momma Jan.

Shayla & Pawpaw

I must say, I think I enjoyed her birthday meal as much as she did!! They took us out to Medieval Times and we had a blast!!! Our waiter was energetic and fun and Shayla giggled over him pouring her a tall goblet of Dragon's Spit (soda)...

Beautiful birthday girl outside Medieval Times

Tator showing off his new quill from Momma Jan

While we waited for the tournament, we met the horses and the falconer and of course, hit the souvenir booths.

Shayla sipping her virgin Pina Colada & checking out all the beautiful horses

Shayla was REALLY into all of it. Standing in her chair screaming for her knight, and turned several shades of red when he kissed a carnation and threw it to her in the stands (to which she blushed and asked me if I thought he was cute too.... Lord save me!)

The brave knights of Medieval Times

Clayton, my child who takes everything very LITERALLY was apprehensive.... Eating with his hands was not the norm in Tator's world, and heaven forbid we do things differently. He got into the spirit of things though but still watched the riders very intently. They had dancing Andalusians, the falcon came out for an awesome lil show and a few rounds of tricks and story telling, he was mildly interested in these entertainments, but kept asking when the joust would begin...

When it came for the actual joust, he was on the edge of his seat.... When the knight was unhorsed and the sword fighting began, he stared, bug eyed, as sparks flew with each clash of the swords....

One knight was tiring, clearly loosing and when the victor lunged in for the kill, Clayton jumped up, with a white knuckle grip on the table edge and said:

"WHAT THE HELL?!?!?!"

He was so intense, so serious, it was hilarious.... After the downed knight was pulled out of the spotlight, I pointed out to my son that he was ok.... Didn't know why he was so shocked... We told them what the show was.... Later I find out my husband told Clayton that the joust was REAL... LOL

You'd have to know us to "get" our humor, but the whole things was just freaking hilarious. Clayton laughed about all of it, and enjoyed the rest of the show with the same awe and excitement as before, just none of the worry.

All in all we had an awesome time and I would love to go again in the future.

I'm hoping next year the kids are willing to forgo parties in favor of trips.... I know I'd certainly enjoy it.....

Simply can't beat birthdays that take you back in time with dinosaurs & dashing knights!

Fun in the Sun

This summer hasn't been the best..... It’s been especially brutal on my munchkins and we decided that a lil vacation was in order….…

Clayton has been mesmerized by the ocean since he was 18 months old. By 2 he could identify 25+ species of sharks, tell you the depth they preferred to live in, diet & tooth shape….. by 4 he decided he would be a marine biologist & “Shark Week” is an important holiday at this house. So, the ocean was an obvious choice for vacation since the kiddos have never been… Everyone needs to see the ocean at least once in their life.

Would have loved to take them to a better beach, but Galveston was what was doable (about 8 hours away), so we headed out bright and early on August 2nd.

Bought 2 day passes for The Moody Gardens and Thursday afternoon when we arrived we hit the sea wall & found some seafood (which BTW do NOT eat at Benno's…. absolutely HORRIBLE.. Both staff & food...).

Tator looking for critters in the rocks by the sea wall..

Shayla claimed this stretch of beach :)

Friday was spent at The Moody Gardens- We went through the Aquarium pyramid, the Rainforest pyramid, the Discovery pyramid, watched a 3D movie, & took a ride on a paddle boat.

Checking out sharks in the Aquarium pyramid

Tator in a shark cage! Parents, in case you're wondering.. No, they won't let you take the cage home!

Hanging with the birds in the Rainforest pyramid

Amazon river exhibit

Took an hour long ride on the "Colonel"

Jerimiah spotted "The Ocean Star"which was an offshore drilling rig & museum… So of course we had to go there too….

Jerimiah & Shayla under the derrick

Hit the Lone Star Flight Museum, had lunch at Landry’s and then went back to the Moody Gardens to swim at “Palm Beach”… Which was a small water park with a lazy river, various pools, live music, water slides and such…. I think I had just as much fun on the water slides as the kids did, though I couldn’t convince Jerimiah to try ‘em out.. At Landry’s the kids decided they’d be “daring” and try raw oysters on the ½ shell…. Absolutely hysterical! To say the kiddos aren’t raw oyster fans is a vast understatement…

Lone Star Flight Museum

Had a blast playing at the water park, but Tator wanted one more dip in the ocean so we headed out to Galveston State Park for some beach fun & swimming in an uncrowned area… Original plan was to go to the State park, but we happened upon a nice stretch of almost empty beach right outside the park so that’s where we ended up swimming and then enjoyed playing on the beach in the dark… Didn’t make it back to the hotel until almost 11:00pm and the munchkins were out cold as soon as they hit the pillows.

Jerimiah & Tator jumping in the waves..

Saturday we went for a tour of the Moody Mansion. Beautiful, 28,000sqft house, lots of interesting history, though the tour guide was a stuffy, cranky gal who seemed to enjoy trying to shove an entire group of people into impossibly tiny rooms…

Think “Human sardines”…..Not my idea of fun..

Bit annoying, but it was neat to see the house.. Well, part of it because half was closed due to un-repaired damage from hurricane Ike… So, for $28 we saw ½ of the mansion, couldn’t take pictures and got bossed around… Like I said, some of it was interesting, but I’ll certainly not repeat the experience.

Went back to the Aquarium pyramid one last time before heading out, then hit the road.

There was quite a bit that we wanted to do, but didn’t have time… Had a lot more fun than I expected and will certainly go back….. I’m so happy we got to go, the kids made some great memories, I added an actual color to my legs (we shall call it “off white”, since it’s not particularly “tan”, but it’s several shades darker than my blinding, glow in the dark shade I sported before running around Galveston in shorts) and Jerimiah & I celebrated 11 years together on the trip up there on August 2nd.

Life deals an unfair, cruel hand sometimes…. I miss my Momma every single day….. But life is far too short and you must make the best of the time you have…….

Take last minute, poorly planned vacations, snap pictures of everything and find something worth laughing about every day.

Life is Short & Seldom Fair

             There are things in life that you simply can’t prepare for. 

I lost my mom, my best friend, on Saturday, June 16th at 9:00pm. There is no pain I can compare this to, no way to fill the void left behind and though I’ve been told there are steps in grieving and you learn to cope, I simply don’t believe that.

This pain isn’t one I can learn to cope with, instead, I think I’ve simply developed a greater capacity for feeling pain. The guilt, the "what ifs", though I’m told they are pointless, haunt me.


How do you tell the story of death? Do I make it cut, dry and use proper medical terminology? Do I simply speak of the time before, and the time after, while glazing over the actual event?

Friday night, I took the kids to visit mom in the hospital. As you know from previous post, she was diagnosed with a very rare form of leukemia called Chronic Neutrophilic Leukemia. Her spleen had grown far too large, so they admitted her into the hospital. The game plan was to do platelet transfusions, get her white cell count down and once the blood work was as ideal as possible, they were going to remove her spleen. Things were going well, the WBC count was coming down gradually and she felt much better after her platelet transfusions. My brother stayed with her at night, and I came and visited during the days.

Friday, we stopped by, had some idle chit chat and she was in good spirits. My brother said Saturday morning she was feeling great… Got to take a real shower, took a walk around the halls and was chipper. I was supposed to go up there after breakfast to bring her some diversions and visit, but I accidentally hit snooze and was running behind on chores.

My brother called me, said mom was acting strange, kind of mumbling, fidgeting…. I told him to go grab a doctor and let me talk to her while he did…. I suspected a small stroke at worst… I asked momma if she knew who I was and she said “Of course, you’re Crystal”. I asked if she knew what day it was and she said “It’s Saturday..” I asked if she knew what month it was and she said “Yes silly, it’s January, your birthday month”.. Then she just repeated a loop of “You’re Crystal, it’s Saturday, it’s January” over and over and over… I interrupted her, told her I loved her and I was on my way and she said “Ok honey, love you.. It’s Saturday, you’re Crystal, it’s January”…




My baby brother, Ethan, Momma & middle brother, Kevin

 That was my last conversation with my mom. Why I wasted it with questions the doctor could have asked, I dunno….. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, I wanted to tell her about the silly prank Jerimiah and I played on the kids… I wanted to beg her not to give up, to please be ok, wanted to scold her for scaring me and have her laugh at my mock stern tone… I wanted to tell her not to worry, everything was going to be okay and she would be getting out of there soon and then we’d go see that movie she wanted to see…

I arrived when they had mom in the MRI… The waiting was horrible, but I was so hopeful. Maybe momma had a stroke, we could deal with that, lots of people lived just fine after a stroke….
I followed them out of MRI, down to CT scan…. There was just me, my youngest brother, Ethan, and a nurse…. Momma crashed before they could get her into the CT scan, and I had to hold her head up and to the side because she was sick, then everything erupted into complete chaos. I was pushed out of the way while the room filled with people….

During this the oncologist came to talk to me… There were spots on mom’s brain…. As the oncologist explained the possible causes of this, machines and hospital staff hustled in the back ground… He was hopeful it was an infection they had somehow missed.. If so, it was treatable and we would know more when they got the CT scan results back and conferred with a neurologist… Up to ICU we went to await results… I don’t think I’ve ever prayed so hard in my life… Hours ticked by, and finally we got to have our results..

Mom’s brain had hemorrhaged in multiple places all at once. She was on life support and they could not operate. Her low platelets, and the locations of the bleeds (most in the lower center of her brain) made it impossible. Her brain was swelling… They gave us a glimmer of hope, a medication they could give to help with swelling and they would set her up for a blood brain flow test to see how the blood flow was in her brain. More hours of waiting, at 4:30pm, Jerimiah tried to take me to grab something to eat and as we left, my brother called and said they had checked her and she had lost her brain stem…. Her pupils would not respond, no pain response and the area of her brain that controlled functions like breathing was gone.

At 7:00pm they did the brain blood flow test… At 8:00pm they asked me to come look at the scans. Her brain was so swollen and there was no longer blood flowing in her brain. They asked me to make a decision.

How does one call for the death of their own mother? They offered to move her to hospice and keep her on life support, but my momma was no longer there and she told me more than once that she had no interest in living as a vegetable.…. The hardest words I’ve ever said was to take momma off life support…. Mom’s heart beat one last time at 9:00pm and my best friend was gone. The one person who knew me from birth… Was there for my first steps, birthdays, heartbreaks, the one knew my every flaw and loved me regardless was gone.

Me, Ethan, Mom & Harley 2001

Did I make the right choice? At times, I think I did when I’m thinking rationally… At other times I can’t help but wonder if I should have left her on life support and hoped for a miracle? It’s a pointless question as I will never know the answer…

The doctors were amazed that with how numerous, and severe the bleeds were that she didn’t have neurological symptoms before hand that would have hinted to this…. But then I wonder, did she?

Friday night, during our visit, she signed some goat registration papers for some goats she was sending to a friend… Her signature was sloppy and she was kind of slow signing… I thought it was the low light and lack of glasses…but was it? Did I miss an early warning sign because I was getting ready to leave to get the kids dinner? After all, I’d seen mom sign legibly without glasses on many times before….

My brother said she had a nose bleed Friday night (Saturday AM actually), from 3:00am to 7:00am and was complaining about it that morning when he woke up… I should have been there, but I was home because I had to be here for chores. Chores! Of all excuses to not be with your mom, that is surely the most pitiful….

I would not have slept through her being up with a nose bleed and left her to deal with it. Why didn’t a nurse come in and check on her during that time? Dr. Balbastro had warned me about bleeding of any sort… I had been there for every doctor’s visit, all lab work and I was about a fluent as could be in Chronic Neutrophilic Leukemia speak as anyone without a medical degree could be….
If I had been there and got the doctors then, could she have been saved, or would it have only been a heads up to an unavoidable outcome? If I hadn’t hit the snooze Saturday morning, I could have been there, I could have had just one more conversation, gave her one more hug, but I hit the damned snooze and then wasted our last conversation….

My momma was only 48 years old. She was my best friend. She accepted me fully, my hot temper, goofy sense of humor, obsessive nature and every odd quirk. I rarely went even one day without speaking to her… Even before she came to stay with us, we always called each other every day just to chit-chat….

She shared my goat obsession, was the one who started it all actually, when I was just a little girl. She camped out in the barn with me for days while we tried to save Astra… Was here for almost every kidding and if she missed a kidding, you can bet your bottom she was there shortly after to “Ohh & Ahhh“ over the new babies... She cried with me over losses/disappointments, and was just as excited about doelings as I was…. We joked that we were self taught goat vets, educated at the Google/Youtube University. When we got sick of paying the vet for blood draws, we broke out some Hershey’s Huggs, watched a “how to draw blood” video on Youtube, and then went out and poked until we got it figured out.

The first few days after she left, I couldn’t stand to even look at the goats. It was raining the night mom died and I didn’t get home until around 11:00pm and had to milk in the rain…. I thought that was miserable, but milking the following morning was even worse.. During milking, she wasn’t out there to chit chat like she always was… When I took the lambar bucket out for the babies, I foolishly expected to see her sitting out there on the play steps playing with the babies like she did almost every morning. Each time she wasn’t there was like a kick to the gut…. I didn’t want the goats anymore, wanted to sell them, give them away, I didn’t care, I just did not want to look at them. What is the point of a hobby if the one you shared it with is gone? When something you once loved turned into a scheduled torture session twice a day, every day…. Jerimiah talked me out of it, asked me to please wait… It is a little easier now, but that flash of pain still creeps up on me when I least expect it… What once was something shared is now quite lonely…

I see her everywhere. She marks every aspect of my life…. I can’t pack her things away. Her pillows still smell like her. Her crazy, off the wall things still clutter my kitchen. Used to annoy me and now I can’t make myself put them away…..Everything is a marker… When I finally made myself cook, it wasn’t just dinner, it was the first meal I cooked since momma left. When Saturday rolled around, it wasn’t just the weekend, it was 1 week after momma left…

My mom was so vibrant, care free and never one to try to fit society’s idea of “normal”. If anything, she strove to be anything but “normal”… She was impulsive, crazy, funny and it was so frustrating that she could never be on time for anything….. It didn’t matter the reason, or time of day, I have always known I could call mom and she would talk to me for however long I needed her to. She may not have been able to arrive on time for a scheduled event, but I could always count on her to drop everything and come to me if I needed her.

She played in the mud with my kids and took them exploring, just like she did with my brothers and I as children…. Gave them their love of coffee and played hide-n-go seek with them. Caught frogs and built “habitats” for them and never hesitated to bring home some stray critter that needed fixing….Anytime I took myself too seriously, she was there to remind me that life was not meant to be a series of serious events… Shopping with her was fun, she’d usually climb on the buggy and let me run through the store pushing her, and any road trip we ever took, she navigated and always got us lost... Mom was a modern day, female Macgyver... She could make anything out of nothing & though the method may have been convolted, if she didn't know how to do something, she quickly figured out her own way to do it.

The few times we fought, they were loud, intense, heated disputes, that always ended with us laughing and usually chocolate in some form was the icing that made it all better again.

You never had to guess what was on her mind, because she was sure to let you know, regardless of the outcome. She believed in me, and encouraged me when the world kicked me in the teeth and discouraged me…

We had so many plans. We would sit up until 3:00am, solving the worlds problems and planning grand schemes. We used to sit in this lil hippy coffee house, she’d drink a pot of coffee (literally), while I worked on my blog… Then she’d read it, pat my head and say “Oh honey, you do worry me”… In some cases, she'd lay her hand on my cheek and ask "Honey, are you SURE you wanna admit that to the world?!"

I wish my house hadn't burned in 2007... I had so many great pictures of mom that I would love to share.....As it is now, I have 5, just 5 pictures.... I take pictures of EVERYTHING.. Why hadn't I snapped more of mom recently??..... I've been trying to get into her laptop to get pics I know are stored there, but so far my password guessing skills are not working...

It's hard to admit she won’t be here for my next birthday. We won’t go see that movie we had planned on seeing..... She won't get the kids some horrible, awful, annoying Christmas present that they'll just adore.... I’ll be sitting all alone in the barn this kidding season and she won’t see my children graduate or meet the bimbo girls and idiotic boys my munchkins decide to date....

Just so many things I expected her to be apart of and contemplating these events knowing she won'be here just hurts so much....

I’m better now than I was a week ago… I can have a normal conversation and keep everyone from worrying. I don’t cry in front of the kids anymore & I’m doing my best to handle everything since she always counted on me to get things taken care of.

She had no insurance, no will and that has complicated things quite a bit. My youngest brother is taking over her land, the middle brother I gave her jeep to and I’m having her cremated.

Momma never had much in life. Mostly because she gave to anyone in need, despite how it would effect her. After a rotten 2nd divorces, she saved and bought her dream place… 20 acres of land with nothing on it what so ever. She actually camped out there in a tent for the first 6 months until she could afford water/electricity/septic. Most wouldn’t have done that. Most would have been depressed to have nothing but a piece of land, but mom thought it was fun. A big adventure. A new chapter and a step forward towards her dream.. So what if it didn't have power or running water, to her, that just made it interesting! She eventually worked up to a camper, and then a lil cabin and it was the only thing in life she really wanted… A lil farm surrounded by woods. A place no one could take away from her, a safe haven for her children if they ever needed it. We will bring her home and lay her to rest under her favorite tree where she loved to sit and drink coffee…. I’m thinking of getting a fountain for her as I simply can’t see my mom with a plain old tombstone….. A simple headstone seems so conventional and my mother was anything but conventional.

At times I’m just angry. Why did I worry so much over my chores at home? Why wasn’t I there the night her nose started bleeding? Why didn’t she calll & tell me about the nose bleed?!? Why did I waste our last conversation? Why couldn’t I at least have a good bye? Why did I have to play to role of Grim Reaper and call for the death of my mother? Why, oh why did MD Anderson screw up like they did?? They lost her paperwork, TWICE, and jerked mom along every step of the way. Had she been able to go, and not get jerked around, her spleen could have been removed way sooner and perhaps it wouldn’t have come to this.

I miss her so much. I catch myself grabbing the phone to call and tell her something, or ask her a quick question….. Instead I just listen to her voice on her voicemail, acting exasperated, which she was, because I hounded her to set up her voicemail.

I am a bit more rational now. I can see that though I didn’t get my goodbye, she at least went quickly and unaware. She didn’t have time to be afraid, to worry. She didn’t have to see the terror on our faces. For that one single mercy, I am thankful.

I’m thankful that my good memories surpass any bad memories by leaps and bounds. I’m thankful she stayed long enough that my kids got to know her.

I could wish for a goodbye, for just one more conversation, but in my heart I know that wouldn’t be enough. So I take it one day at a time. Some good days and I’m almost normal, and some bad days that feel like the misery will never end…. I’ve had a few rare moments where I laughed till I cried over some memory…. My crazy mother brought laughter anywhere she went.

"One day at a time" is my chant these days.

Love you momma, miss you more than words can say, and I hope you’ve found peace.




Demitri Geneva, known to those who loved her as "Brandy"
October 13, 1963 - June 16, 2012