Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The UPS Man & a Noodle lesson learned

Originally posted on Monday, August 13, 2007

What a day in the great city of Noodle Texas...

As most of y'all know, my husband took work out of town recently, and I'm unfortunate to be stuck out here all alone. Well, not all alone. I have the munchkins and the critters, but sometimes it wouldn't hurt to have another adult around. After all, toddler babble and dogs barking can't keep anyone occupied for long. Especially with my notorious short attention span (yea, I know, must be a blond thing right? Least that's what people say..)

To top all this off I have a hell of a time getting used to sleeping all alone so I'm usually up these days until about 3:00 AM....Doing what you may ask? Well cleaning. I know, so sad when cleaning and laundry is so amusing right? But I don't think my house has ever been this spic and span so there's an upside to this madness.

Anywho, last night was another typical night and I was doing laundry since it dawned on me that I was practically out of clean clothes.

My laundry room is outside, separate from the house though, so you have to walk down a "L" shaped concrete walk way to get to it. Well around 3AM I put my clothes into wash and came back inside. Heard some funny noises and since it's pitch black out here I was too big of a chicken to go back out in the dark all ALONE to put my clothes in the dryer (You KNOW that all the girls in horror movies who disregard the funny noises and go to investigate are always the ones to die first, so my cowardice has logic behind it)..

After all, it wouldn't hurt to let it wait a few more hours for daylight right? And I was off to bed anyways so it's not like I was in dire need of shorts or pants at the moment, so yes, the scary noises could be left to themselves and laundry could wait until morning.

Fast forward to this morning around 10AM. This is the time is dawns on me that it wouldn't hurt to actually get dressed, but I remember that I didn't dry my clothes yet.

So I skip outside to put my clothes in the dryer. I know what your thinking..."Why on earth would you go outside in broad daylight in your underwear??!" But seriously, I'm in Noodle, who, but the neighbors horse is ever going to see me?? No one. The only close neighbors I have work all day so the only soul about is Lady (the horse) and their annoying group of rotties.

Even though I am confident that no one will be around, I still air on the side of caution and do a quick look around before running out to the laundry room. Of course, the coast is clear, all the neighbor's cars are gone and I don't even see trucks or tractors on the road. A quiet, empty day in Noodle land.

Throw the clothes in the dryer, check the time so I know when I need to come and get them and start heading back to the house.

And of course....that is when DISASTER strikes. I'm curious if your able to sue UPS for having such quiet trucks? I swear I never heard 'em pull up...maybe I need to unplug that radio in the laundry room????

But there I my underwear, almost to my front porch and there standing about 2 ft away was the UPS man with a package in hand!!!

I let out a horrified squeak, turn about 20 shades of red and think the best course of action is just to get to the door, get inside and then I can sign whatever he needs me to sign once I'm hidden away.

Well, he is standing there speechless (obviously not expecting people in Noodle to be out and about in their undergarments I assume) and looking very unsure of what to do or say. This fella is acting like it's him in the awkward position of being there with a stranger in his underwear...geez, the nerve of him right?!

After what seems like an eternity I mumble something lame along the lines of "Umm sorry, let me get inside okay?" and he finally turns around.

Thank God for least he's a gentleman and is trying to spare me anymore embarrassment. I hurry to the door and can not wait to get on the other side of it.....

Only to discover that my 4 year old son has locked it!!!!!! I'm knocking on the door while the UPS man is casting an unsure glance over his shoulder..Probably debating on leaving me some dignity and just waiting with his back turned or helping me get back into my house. He decides on the first option and mumbles about needing to get something from his truck..

Apparently my 4 year old is very good at locking the door, but has an issue with unlocking the deadbolt. After a bit of frantic coaching though he gets it figured out and lets me back in. FINALLY!!!

Once I regain my composure a bit the UPS man comes back up the steps and knocks on the door (Poor ol' fella has a look of total relief on his face). And his words are:

"I have a COD package for a Mr. Calvin Williams that I need someone to sign and pay for."

You have got to be kidding me right?!?!? All this hell and embarrassment and the package isn't even for me?!?!'s for the previous tenant who apparently forgot to change his stupid mailing address when he moved..back in JANUARY!!!

So yea..I inform him that the idiots no longer live here (not in those words though) and haven't in very long time and he mumbles an apology and wishes me a great day.

Great day my ass! Not after that ordeal!! And ya know what..I could have swore I heard him chuckling once he got back to his truck...guess it was amusing right???

So yea, lesson learned I that I seem to learn 'em all the hard way though.. -The lesson of course being to never assume the "coast is clear" and to wear all your clothes when venturing out.-

Well that's all for now, join me next time for "Adventures in Noodleville" haha :-)


Near Death Experience..A "Must Read"

Original Post Date: July 12, 2007

Did you know Texas has FREAKISH bugs?? Thought I had seen them all until a few days ago....

Got bored one evening and decided to go out and mow the field..(Noodle Texas can get very boring at times.) I got this grand idea that if I mowed all the weeds down, then the actual grass just might grow (so far, I'm right..) After all, who wouldn't want a field of pretty green grass vs. a field full of ugly weeds??

Anywho, I'm mowing along, all zoned out in my own lil' world, when I see something black and orangeish dart out from my mower's path. Thought I was seeing things at first you see, because I'm in Texas...not the freaking outback of Australia. This was a spider, but not just any spider, it looked like a damn TARANTULA!! A bit bigger than the palm of my and fuzzy looking... and I'm not talking "cute fuzzy" I mean "SCARY FREAK" fuzzy!! The front section of his body was orangeish/tanish with the back being black like his creepy, mile long legs.

Obviously, based on this description you can imagine this critter was surely a man eater or something and I'm sure I looked quite yummy! I let go of the mower and take off running across the field, screaming like an idiot. I don't stop running until I reach the back corner of the field, and only then do I check to make sure the evil demon didn't chase me and get me cornered. Thankfully the coast was clear and he didn't follow me. So.... I hunt for a suitable weapon to take on one of these creatures..this being the biggest stick I could find...and slowly walk back to my mower, all the while scanning the ground to make sure he isn't lurking and waiting for me.

After checking the area carefully I decide that I won and scared him off...I'm quite sure he heard me coming with my stick and decided to find another field to haunt. I start my mower and once again continue to mow. Due to the horrid interruption though, I am denied the pleasure of zoning back into "la-la land" while I mow. Instead I'm chopping the weeds and scanning the ground. I don't want to be caught off guard again!!

Ten minutes into mowing I'll be damned if another freak doesn't pop out of the grass!!! But, I'm prepared this go around...My course of action??

Chase the lil' bastard with the mower until I manage to chop him into fuzzy spidery bits!! This plan turns out to be VERY effective and in the end, the creature met his demise a the end of my mighty mower blades..Yea, I rule!!

Once I have rid the field of this horrid thing, I stop the mower to admire my handy work....the spider is in fact dead...very dead..But my gosh you should see the field!!!! You'd be amazed at what a field looks like when you run around it with a mower...LOL....there were zig-zags and swirls of cut grass all over the place!!! Not a neat, manicured mow job at all...this goes to show I could never be employed by a golf course or landscaping company...Though I think Terminex outta give me a call.......

Needless to say, I spent the rest of my evening trying to mow everything even so proof of my brief moment of insanity would no longer be visible. Lord only knows what people would think if they saw my handy work....and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the elderly woman who lives down from us didn't witness my Spider vs. Lawn Mower episode....

So anyways, anyone know what the heck this spider was and if it was in fact a tarantula or just a common spider on steroids?? I was unaware that we had Tarantula's lurking in Texas (granted, I don't set aside much time to study the insects of this area..) If it wasn't a tarantula, then the only logical guess would be that it was some freak science experiment gone wrong and then let loose on Texas to reek havoc on all unsuspecting mowers..

Mowers beware, the one that got away from me might just be in your yard..