Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's a SHOCKING kind of love!

As some of my past blog post may show, I have an odd sense of humor…. 

Thankfully I married a man who totally gets me and is touched with same warped goofiness as I am. 

We act a bit juvenile at times….constantly joking around with one another and the majority of our antics are the sort most folks just wouldn't “get”... 

Sarcasm is our language & it’s not uncommon for things like practical jokes, mock battles and water fights to spontaneously happen in this house….  In many ways, Jerimiah & I are complete opposites and I think the humor and the ability to goof off without reserve is what has held us together for almost 10 years.

These antics are the cause for my upcoming tale….

Typically, Jerimiah & I rarely have time together thanks to a job that has him traveling quite a bit these days…One rare weekend that he actually got to be home, we were sitting at the table after breakfast with my mom having some lighthearted debate (honestly cannot tell you what the discussion was even was about now). 

He chimed in with a random comment to which I replied: “Stooopid” in an exaggerated cartoony type voice. This of course was the start of one of our usual banters and my poor mother was already rolling her eyes at us….

For retaliation he playfully reached out to kick me in the shin…. However, his playful kick connected a lil better than he had planned and it hurt like the dickens! Of course, retaliation from me was in order and it was “on like Donkey Kong!”

We carried on like this for a while, harassing each other and at some point during all of this foolishness my mom decided to leave us to it…. In the end, I eventually scored the last bit in our game and went to go sort some laundry in the living room……

Of course I didn't let my guard down though…. I knew retaliation was coming in some form, despite the fake innocent look on Jerimiah’s face and false declarations of “truce”… . Perhaps retaliation would come in the form of a wedgie, or worse, maybe he’d tickle me to death….. I knew must remain ever vigilant, even while getting some necessary chores done…. I’m female after all and I rule the domain of multitasking!

It’s early in the day, kind of a lazy day with nothing very pressing, so I hadn't got around to putting my contacts in yet and I was basically blind. I see him enter the living room and he’s got that look. I KNOW he’s up to something and I’m NOT buying that sweet, innocent act. He acts perfectly normal, very nonchalant, and I return to my task….

I’m tense and ready for whatever trouble he’s got brewing in that mischievous mind of his….  I hear him approach quickly behind me, I spin and see the hand by his side start to rise and instinctively I reach out and grab it to thwart whatever he has planned…. I’m thinking there’s a mega wedgie in my future and I intend to turn the tables on him… The next thing I register is PAIN….

Pain! Hot, awful pain shoots through my palm and I hit the floor!! It burns and it feels like the very insides of my hand and arm are just buzzing with the intensity of the pain…. My brain is a bit fuzzy, trying frantically to catch up with the events around me….

Jerimiah is bent over me, very concerned, apologizing profusely and I’m sitting there thinking: “I am down, though last I recall I was up… .. I just peed my pants and I don’t know why”.

He’s actually getting on to me, scolding me, asking “Why did you do that?!?!”

Do WHAT I wonder….surely I didn't cause the burning in my hand and I dang sure did not intend to pee my pants….. I glance at my hand… it’s tingling now, the pain is starting to ease a bit and directly in the center of my palm are 2 glowing red dots side by side. Kind of like a miniature vampire bit me… A miniature vampire with hot fangs and the ability to make me relinquish control of my bladder …. There’s no blood or broken skin, only these dots and the first traces of bruising underneath the skin....

You’re wondering what on earth happened right?? Well I’ll break it down for you.

Hubby bought me a hand held taser, it’s not very big, and fits in your palm with the “on” button held upward for easy access for your thumb. It’s an ingenious lil device and though I've never been mugged, there is not a doubt in my mind that this sucker wouldn't stop someone dead in their tracks.

And before you go getting the wrong idea, NO my husband would never, ever willingly cause me pain of any sort. We kid around quite a bit, but never set out to hurt one another….that’s just warped. His intention was to sneak up behind me while I appeared to be so engrossed with the laundry, and pop the thing in the air, thus startling me with the loud, shocking noise. What he didn't factor into his plan is the fact that I was not engrossed in my task…I was on edge, waiting for his next move. Thanks to the lack of contacts, I couldn't see anything in his hand, just the hand….

So when I reached out, I grabbed his hand firmly –intending on taking full control of the situation- and in doing so, I pushed that button on the top of the taser. The current hits me, grabs me and holds on tight! My muscles seize, contract, forcing my hand to take an even tighter grip on the taser..... Poor hubby is trying very hard to get it away from me but I simply can’t let go. Literally, my hand was glued to that demon spawned, bladder emptying inferno…. After what feels like an insanely hot eternity (in all actuality, it was mere seconds), he finally wrestles the taser away from me and I hit the floor, hurt hand, wet pants and all.

He’s torn between worry, laughter and I think he’s a bit mad too. “Why on earth did you GRAB THE TASER CRYSTAL?” “What were you thinking?!” …”Are you okay?”…..”I am so sorry, let me see it”…

All the while I am slightly bewildered: “Why did you ELECTROCUTE me you jerk?!” “That’s not funny!” “The Taser is NOT a toy!” “And no I’m not okay, my hand hurts, my arm burns and I peed on myself!”

It took a bit for the SHOCK of it all to fade from my muddled brain and for me to realize what happened. You would think I would be angry, but once the pain ended, I found myself hysterically laughing at the entire situation. Of course I would be the only person to essentially tase myself!! Jerimiah spent half of the day apologizing at random and even offered for me to get a freebie on him as payback, which I declined. I must confess, some days I’m tempted to take him up on that offer, but somehow I think the offer to return the shock was kind of a one day, one shot kind of deal….

Not sure if there is any sort of moral or purpose to this story. Perhaps I could say: “Don’t be lazy and put your contacts in every day when you wake up” or “Tasers are not toys” ..or maybe even: “Be sure to empty your bladder before engaging in a battle of any sort” ….

Or I could go all sentimental on y’all and say: “Enjoy your loved ones, always be able to laugh at yourself and remember you’re never too old to play….though play involving tasers isn’t condoned nor is it recommended…take it from someone with 1st HAND experience!” 

Hardy har har....I know that was corny, but deal with it :)

Monday, July 19, 2010

Strange lights on the Noodle skyline...

Anyone know if there is anything special or significant about July 19th?

Before bothering y'all with such a question I did at least google it to try and find the answer myself. Only info I found is that it is the 200th day of the year (201st in leap years)& I also discovered that it is a Burmese National Holiday, though neither of these insights provided me with the information I was searching for.

I bet your wondering why I'm even asking right?? Well I was looking for some old holiday that is observed on this very day that requires the hanging and plugging in of your CHRISTMAS LIGHTS! As I stood out on my porch this evening, enjoying the first bit of bearable outdoor weather we've had all day, I hear a bit of a ruckus (the moving of a ladder to be exact) and then all of the sudden the house down the road from me is lit up like Christmas morning... Literally.

Since we don't have much light out here (we have a few street lights, but my neighbor got annoyed by a few and shot them out, so artificial light is minimal after dark) this sudden burst of light was a bit of a shocker. As far as I know the residents of this house aren't Burmese, and even if they were, what I read about the Burmese National Holiday (more accurately known as "Burmese Martyrs' Day") it isn't exactly the kind of holiday where you hang up your Christmas lights.

I thought it was quite odd to say the least, but I have yet to work up the courage to willingly interact with the residents there (though they have had no issue with forcing their presence upon me a time or two) so I think it would be a bit weird for me to knock on their door at 10 o'clock at night and ask if anyone residing there happens to be Burmese!!

Not to mention, what on earth would I do if they said: "Yes, I am in fact Burmese."?!?!? Since this holiday is a day when high ranking officials of that country visit the Martyrs' Mausoleum to pay respect to long ago assassinated independence leaders, I could hardly offer a Hallmark card or a gift basket...It just doesn't seem like that sort of Holiday, but in my defense, it also doesn't seem like the "Hang your Christmas lights and shine them brightly in the middle of July" type of holiday either....

I'll just have to leave this as one of those Noodleville Mysteries best left unsolved I suppose.

On a completely unrelated note: My bunnies are here from Louisiana and have finally settled in!! They are Castor Standard Rexs and I'm quite pleased with them as they are the beginning of my "rabbitry" and yes, to you non-rabbit folks, that is a real word. (Oh and, "rabbit folks" exist too..I found a whole slew of them online, so I'm not the only one who has this "crazy hobby" haha) It's my newest hobby and I am well aware that 95% of the people who know me think it's extremely bazaar, crazy or downright stupid and to those of you who think that, even though I may love you (or at the very least tolerate you) I just don't care what you think so keep your negative opinions to yourself if you don't mind. Be forewarned, at this point in my life I have finally grown a big enough "pair" that I am quite content with telling you where to shove your negativity, and since my methods of doing so are "socially unacceptable" I find it's best for all parties involved if the negative opinions and discouraging remarks be kept silent.

Anywho, here's a couple of pictures:


Cute eh? I surely think so :-)

Goodnight y'all!

Love & Hugs

Thursday, July 8, 2010

Clown for a night.. last day off. :-(

Quite sad actually that now I must start preparing myself for two back to back doubles and all the drama that sometimes goes along with waitressing. I chant to myself: "I will survive, I will smile and I will resist the urge to slap some of my fellows co-workers and those annoying guest that are an inevitable part of my work life". Some days I must chant more than others, but since I haven't been at work this week, I only need to repeat this to myself twice...Tomorrow, after my 1st double I may need a self help tape and hours worth of chanting, but today I'm alright. :-)

Part of preparing is the usual: gathering up work uniforms, getting laundry done, getting the kids set up with clean clothes & easy snacks, thawing out Socrates's food and freezing the water bottles for my rabbits.

Also part of my ritual is super gluing the bottom of my shoes back on. The floors at work are like a damn ice skating rink and non-slip shoes are a must, so much so that if your not wearing them, you get sent home. The back area of the restaurant where the dish pit is located is like a horrible swamp of unknown liquid that is quite hard on your shoes, hence the gluing. These shoes are my 3rd pair in 2 years. Kind of ugly, solid croc style that can thankfully be disguised by bootcut jeans. The non-slip bottoms are coming off though and since the rest of the shoe still functions and looks presentable, I'm being frugal and going to squeeze as much time out of them as possible. :-)

The front part on the right shoe is coming loose so it has a 3 inch flap and there's a lil' loose part on the back. That 3 inch flap was the cause of me getting caught on a rug and loosing an entire tray of drinks last week BTW...quite messy, sticky & embarrassing if you must know.

Anywho....Break out the super glue, squeeze on and squish the pieces together and wipe away the excess. Decided to get a good stick so I put the shoe on for extra weight/pressure.

So, I'm standing there, one shoe on, chatting with my mom...our chat comes to an end and I start to walk around her.

Take off with my left foot, my right foot goes to follow and the next thing I know I'm eating the couch!! My mom is in hysterics, wheezing, snorting (now I know where I got THAT from!) and making NO move to help me. I'm trying to set myself to rights and having a hard time of it since my foot is still stuck in the shoe and I'm flat out across the living room with only my shoulders/head on the couch...getting vertical again was awkward to say the least...

Apparently I didn't wipe enough of the extra super glue away and I glued myself to the floor! Haven't been so happy about jerking the carpet out of the living room as I was today. Managed to pry my foot/shoe free (all without my mother's help BTW since she was too busy trying not to pee her pants) and got to the task of getting the super glue off the floor and off my fingers.

But, the good news is my shoe is solid and flap free once again, I didn't break anything (thanks to my couch) and my mother is still being insanely immature and giggling every time she looks at me, so I'm happy to have provided her with entertainment for the evening. According to her, when she looks at me she gets the image of the punch balloons.....ya know those clown type ones that have a weighted base and you can punch them, they fall straight down and then come straight up again?? Yea, when my mother gazes upon her only daughter, she's sees a punchable clown, cute eh? She's so loving...there have been times in my life when my gene pool worries me and I wonder if I could have possibly been adopted. Tonight just so happens to be one of those nights...

Wish me luck for tomorrow folks, dunno if my shoe incident is a sign of how my weekend if going to be, but I really hope not.

Love & Hugs


Sunday, July 4, 2010

Blunders, Explosions & Crashes

Odd title right????? I know, but it all makes sense just have to suffer through my rambling to get right down to the meaning of it. :-)

First of all, Happy 4th of July to everyone! I am so happy to see this holiday and for more than just the usual reasons. I'm happy to see this day because it means I survived this past weekend.

Survived what you may ask??....Well... myself actually (and that's no small feat folks, let me tell ya..).

The beginning of it all is "blunders"..I work doubles (10am-midnight) as a waitress on Fridays & Saturdays. So Friday morning rolls around and I'm mentally preparing myself for the "Battle of Self Control". In my line of work, self control is essential (I work for tips so my pay kind of depends on it). I'm actually quite proud to say I've mastered the skill of smiling and appearing completely unfazed by rude, idiotic customers. Ya know the type of people I'm talking about....the snappy women, who literally snap their fingers at you for drink refills (while they've still got half a glass I might add), the guy who cusses at you because lunch specials have ended and he wants a lunch platter, the large weight watcher's failures who constantly have you running for more butter and a refill on that Diet Pepsi (all while they're griping that we don't have a WW points menu or a low carb menu) and my personal favorite..the families with young children who are the most miserable lil' creatures I have ever encountered...screaming, demanding root beer floats, throwing food and getting told how silly/cute/precious they are by they're obviously oblivious parents...... As you can see I've gotten myself sidetracked, this list could go on indefinitely..So, back to "Blunders":

I'm getting ready for work, and realize I left my mascara in the car. Skip out to get it and the car is locked and the keys are by the gear shifter. No biggie, I've got a spare in my purse. I proceed to rip through the house trying to find my purse...then it dawns on me. The purse, with the spare keys is in the passenger seat of the locked car. BRILLIANT! Just Brilliant! Make the call to Gieco and they inform me that since I'm way out in Noodle, the soonest they could get to me would be about 1-2 hours. Fabulous, that will make my arrival time at work at the END of the lunch shift. Time to call the boss. He's not thrilled, but says it's alright, to just make sure I'm there for the 2nd half of my double. I wait for what seems like an eternity (wrecker got lost) and then he finally arrives in all his 3 toothed glory in a bright yellow truck. I stand out, in the drizzle because it just seems rude to wait inside after he came all the way out to unlock my car. He's talking to himself in a mixture of Spanish & English and I only realize this is a one sided conversation AFTER I try responding to him for the 2nd time and he gives me this look as if I was interrupting a conversation....Weird, but the fella got the door unlocked so I can't complain. One blunder solved, and I think the day will actually turn out great since I have a lil spare time to myself.

I decide that since I should have been at work, it wouldn't be seemly to be lazy on this extra time so I decide to do the right thing and use the time wisely. Which means heading into town early, getting a few errands done and heading by Tractor Supply to pick up rabbit food since the bunnies were almost out....Here is where the "Explosions" fit in.

I head to the back of the store where the 50 lb bags are kept, drag half of them out to check the dates on the feed bags (why pay the same amount of money for 3+ month old feed, when I can get fresher, newer feed for the same price?) much to the annoyance of the employees. Though in my defense, after I got the bag I wanted, I put everything back where it was before, so they can take their dirty looks and eye rolls and shove it where the sun don't shine as far as I'm concerned!! I heave the bag up and hold it in front of me sort of bear hug style, and begin the walk to the front. I make it about 15ft from the registers (in the middle of the store) when everything starts to fall apart...Literally.

The bottom of the bag is coming apart, in the middle of the store and I have to find a way to stop this from getting really embarrassing!!! Now, for a visual: You know those old cartoons where the character is falling and he starts rapidly going hand over hand trying to grab a rope that's already out of reach?? Well picture that in more of a hug form and in a downward motion instead of reaching upwards. That's me. :-/ Rapidly making lil' downward hugs trying to stop the flow of feed that's gotten quite large. The goal was to hug/close off the bottom and hopefully prevent more of a mess. Didn't work. The small flow quickly turned into an explosion of feed (see how that ties into the title?) It's noisy, it's messy and I'm doing this silly looking hug thing trying to stop it all. In the end there's a 50lb mass of feed all around me, the dust from the feed billows up and temporarily disturbs my view of the world and that's when all the bad hits (meaning total embarrassment can settle in since I am no longer occupied trying to stop the feed flow).

I'm standing in the middle of the store, feed all around me, covered from head to toe in dust (so much dust that my hair looks greenish/grey) and I'm HUGGING the damned feed bag to me as if it's some sort of lifeline!!!!! Talk about embarrassing....people gawked for a few seconds before their good manners finally kicked in...a gentleman came and took the empty bag from me, and a few others took over scooping up the mess. I was tempted to just walk out of the store, but really needed the feed, so I say nothing and start walking back to the feed isle (would have helped clean up, but I was shoo'ed away for some odd reason..). A concerned employee stops me, offers to get the feed and insist on carrying it to the register and then out to the car (in a tone, I might add, that I did not appreciate. I swear he acted as if it was all MY fault and he was trying to save his store from more disasters caused by my hand.) I am more than willing to own up to my mistakes, but I just don't think the faulty feed packaging was my fault!

I finally get out of there and go into work covered in feed dust, so I have to start my shift off by shaking out my clothes, shoes and hair in the bathroom...wonderful, just wonderful. I also happen to notice I carry the faint aroma of alfalfa that lingers even though I've managed to remove most of the visible traces of feed dust, if anyone ask about it I've decided to say it's just a new organic perfume. :-)

I'm guessing I was getting a subtle punishment for my first call-in to work, because I get there and I find out management stuck me in the worst, no money making section..on a Friday night of all nights! Locked out of the car, feed explosion and now no money prospects for the night. This is just so wonderful...But, I suck it up, I don't whine or complain and I make it through the shift.

I get off a bit early (11:20pm) since I was in the back, dead section and am on my way to pick up cereal and other goodies for the kiddos at Wal-Mart. Do any of y'all ever go to Wal-Mart late at night? I swear it a convention of the crazies! I go through the store quickly and try not to brush up against any of them or to make eye contact (some of those folks are just nuts, I feel it's safer to avoid eye contact and think you should too)

Make it through the check out line, stand at the basket end of my cart and start pulling it out to my car. My phone goes off, so I'm digging through the purse, finally get it and start scrolling through the various alerts I've received. Here is where "Crashes" fit in.

Late at night it's not just some of my fellow shoppers that are crazy...Apparently the automatic doors are on the fritz as well! I glance up as I approach the doors, then back down at my phone and the next thing I know, I feel a sharp, painful blow to the center of my forehead and briefly think one of the odd shoppers finally snapped and attacked me...I land flat on my ass, next to my cart and glance around to find my attacker....Only to see a few scattered people looking and laughing at me. No attacker in sight.....An attacker might have been less damaging to my ego and would have made for a much cooler story. It was just an automatic door, that forgot it was supposed to open automatically and a tired, scatterbrained chick who walked smack into it. All in all it seems like a suitable end for my day. After all who am I to think that I can do anything in public without making a spectacle of myself on a day like this?!?! I provided the folks of Wal-Mart with a good laugh and the price was only a very sore forehead, rear and severely bruised ego.

Saturday wasn't much of an improvement. I decided to take "Simply Sleep" at 1AM Friday night/Saturday morning because I simply wanted to sleep the drama of the day away. Ended up in a fog for all of Saturday and had a huge variety of those blessed folks who test my self control so severely..

So...HAPPY 4th of July everyone! I am celebrating our freedom & our troops along with everyone else...But I'm also having a personal celebration as I feel it was some sort of miracle I've made it through the past couple days with my limited sanity still intact.

Now for some good food, fire works, and great family time! Have a fun & safe holiday! :-)


Thursday, July 1, 2010

The Rise & Fall of the Noodleville Rockstar

Originally posted on Tuesday, February 12, 2008

It's a semi decent day in the land of Noodleville.....though the typical boredom seems to have set in early today. :-/

For the munchkins it's still a bit too chilly to turn them loose outside just yet.

And as for me...well it's just a bit too early for me to have any real motivation to do something productive...and on a day like this, with no real pressing errands to be done, why not bum out in my PJ's until I get the urge to actually get dressed. The thought even crossed my mind to put on a DVD for the kids and curl up with my current book.

Of course, right about the time I decide that this is the thing to do, my kids decide otherwise and they are in no mood for TV of any sort.....Go figure.

This leads to a dress up game of thinking that maybe if we play for a while they may be content enough to let me get through a chapter or two of my book. Of course, a game of dress up in Noodleville with toddlers must be goofy and silly. If it wasn't, what would be the point right? We end up with my daughter and I in really high pigtails (she picked the style), me in a mismatched pair of hubby's socks that come up to my knees and some funky, 70's type boy shorts that I didn't even know I had. My son of course participated and even though he didn't get the makeup, we drew some tattoos on him with eyeliner and put his hair up in a Mohawk. My makeup was grand, and was applied by my 2 year old daughter who just so happens to be a make up artist...we all looked fabulous to say the least. :-)

This of course got boring after a while as all things will in the world of toddlers, so it was time to revert to being productive in hopes of peace and quiet coming at a later time in the day. So, I blare some music and get to the process of tidying up the living room.

Somewhere along the way though, this went from a cleaning expedition to a make shift rock concert performance by yours truly....

For the sake of visuals, let me throw in a description of the scene. The front door leads right into my living room, with a large window for a full view of the living room and kitchen from the front porch. My couches are dark brown leather and set up in an "L" shape..with the couch being against the wall and the love seat being caddy corner to it. In the corner made by these couches is a built in bookshelf on the wall that starts at the top of the couch and ends about 1 ft from the ceiling.

Back to our "concert" though......I'm rockin' out in my goofy clothes & pigtails with my daughter by my side (my son's on the floor hopping around laughing at us) Were on the couch, slipping and sliding on the leather in our socks and having a blast. :-)

Of course this concert comes complete with a hairbrush microphone and belting out every tune that is playing (with no regard to tune or tone mind you) Not to mention a lil side dish of my personal impersonations of each artist I'm singing along with (complete with the ever famous "White Girl" dance moves even!) Not to mention a real healthy dose of self delusions about glory, fame and my wonderful talents as a total rockstar....Quite the spectacle you can imagine!!

I'm standing on the couch, one foot on the arm of it & right in the midst of a song I don't dare confess to, Brutus (my Dane) lets out a bark and to my horror I look up and see my neighbor's "she-man" (took me forever to figure out she was actually a chick) friend at the door!! Catching a 100% full view of what I'm sure looked like a scene from a nut house...Obviously, her just standing there, peering into my window startles me half to death and I jump and make the move to hop off the couch...this is of course where EVERYTHING falls apart....

Socks, clumsiness and being in a startled hurry all combined on slick leather do NOT mix well. In my startled motion to get down, I slipped, fell forward, made to catch myself and missed......Smashing my face into that lovely built in bookshelf!!!!

Instant bloody nose and a world that's spinning around me.........Not to mention watching the very last shred of dignity I could have salvaged from this situation slip right out the window..

By the time I recover, I see She-Man walking into the driveway (I'm guessing to get away from the spectacle she just witnessed) I figure if I have gone through this humiliation and pain I might as well figure out what the hell she wants! I grab a paper towel for my nose (several actually, it was bleeding quite profusely) and go out the door. Of course you could see the conflict on this woman's face...I dunno if she wanted to hug me or laugh at me...maybe a lil' of both I suppose. It's also quite possible she was questioning my level of sanity after such a display and was trying to keep her distance...seems I'll never really know.

She stammered, stuttered and finally got around to asking me what she needed to ask, which was: "Do you have any puppy chow we could borrow?" Idiot!! Of course I do not!! Everyone out here, including her and her friend who is my neighbor, know that I don't feed my dogs crap in a bag, processed puppy chow (we had a discussion about it just 2 days prior)! So this was all for nothing!!!!

My dreams of stardom, our entertainment for the moment, my stellar performance, and my dignity all went up in flames in an instant...and for no just cause!! What a crime!

Of course..things can't end here....I'm standing on my porch, funky boy shorts, socks that are too long, uneven pigtails and makeup, that from a distance probably made me look a cross between a clown and something that crawled out of some 1940's brothel...coupled with a wad of bloody paper towels smashed to my nose..I am quite the picture as you can probably guess....As I look past the she-man awkwardly walking away, I see my other neighbor's teenage nephew standing at the mailboxes looking at me in total bewilderment..

Yes! This is just GRAND! Let's make sure all of Noodle sees the spectacle of "Crystal, the fallen Rock Star"

Is there a moral to this long, drawn out, humiliating story?? Why yes, there is indeed! :-)

Enjoy life, have fun with your kids, and don't be afraid to act a bit goofy...But for the love of God, DO invest in a set of mini blinds to cover that damned window on the front door!! lol


Wednesday, June 30, 2010

The UPS Man & a Noodle lesson learned

Originally posted on Monday, August 13, 2007

What a day in the great city of Noodle Texas...

As most of y'all know, my husband took work out of town recently, and I'm unfortunate to be stuck out here all alone. Well, not all alone. I have the munchkins and the critters, but sometimes it wouldn't hurt to have another adult around. After all, toddler babble and dogs barking can't keep anyone occupied for long. Especially with my notorious short attention span (yea, I know, must be a blond thing right? Least that's what people say..)

To top all this off I have a hell of a time getting used to sleeping all alone so I'm usually up these days until about 3:00 AM....Doing what you may ask? Well cleaning. I know, so sad when cleaning and laundry is so amusing right? But I don't think my house has ever been this spic and span so there's an upside to this madness.

Anywho, last night was another typical night and I was doing laundry since it dawned on me that I was practically out of clean clothes.

My laundry room is outside, separate from the house though, so you have to walk down a "L" shaped concrete walk way to get to it. Well around 3AM I put my clothes into wash and came back inside. Heard some funny noises and since it's pitch black out here I was too big of a chicken to go back out in the dark all ALONE to put my clothes in the dryer (You KNOW that all the girls in horror movies who disregard the funny noises and go to investigate are always the ones to die first, so my cowardice has logic behind it)..

After all, it wouldn't hurt to let it wait a few more hours for daylight right? And I was off to bed anyways so it's not like I was in dire need of shorts or pants at the moment, so yes, the scary noises could be left to themselves and laundry could wait until morning.

Fast forward to this morning around 10AM. This is the time is dawns on me that it wouldn't hurt to actually get dressed, but I remember that I didn't dry my clothes yet.

So I skip outside to put my clothes in the dryer. I know what your thinking..."Why on earth would you go outside in broad daylight in your underwear??!" But seriously, I'm in Noodle, who, but the neighbors horse is ever going to see me?? No one. The only close neighbors I have work all day so the only soul about is Lady (the horse) and their annoying group of rotties.

Even though I am confident that no one will be around, I still air on the side of caution and do a quick look around before running out to the laundry room. Of course, the coast is clear, all the neighbor's cars are gone and I don't even see trucks or tractors on the road. A quiet, empty day in Noodle land.

Throw the clothes in the dryer, check the time so I know when I need to come and get them and start heading back to the house.

And of course....that is when DISASTER strikes. I'm curious if your able to sue UPS for having such quiet trucks? I swear I never heard 'em pull up...maybe I need to unplug that radio in the laundry room????

But there I my underwear, almost to my front porch and there standing about 2 ft away was the UPS man with a package in hand!!!

I let out a horrified squeak, turn about 20 shades of red and think the best course of action is just to get to the door, get inside and then I can sign whatever he needs me to sign once I'm hidden away.

Well, he is standing there speechless (obviously not expecting people in Noodle to be out and about in their undergarments I assume) and looking very unsure of what to do or say. This fella is acting like it's him in the awkward position of being there with a stranger in his underwear...geez, the nerve of him right?!

After what seems like an eternity I mumble something lame along the lines of "Umm sorry, let me get inside okay?" and he finally turns around.

Thank God for least he's a gentleman and is trying to spare me anymore embarrassment. I hurry to the door and can not wait to get on the other side of it.....

Only to discover that my 4 year old son has locked it!!!!!! I'm knocking on the door while the UPS man is casting an unsure glance over his shoulder..Probably debating on leaving me some dignity and just waiting with his back turned or helping me get back into my house. He decides on the first option and mumbles about needing to get something from his truck..

Apparently my 4 year old is very good at locking the door, but has an issue with unlocking the deadbolt. After a bit of frantic coaching though he gets it figured out and lets me back in. FINALLY!!!

Once I regain my composure a bit the UPS man comes back up the steps and knocks on the door (Poor ol' fella has a look of total relief on his face). And his words are:

"I have a COD package for a Mr. Calvin Williams that I need someone to sign and pay for."

You have got to be kidding me right?!?!? All this hell and embarrassment and the package isn't even for me?!?!'s for the previous tenant who apparently forgot to change his stupid mailing address when he moved..back in JANUARY!!!

So yea..I inform him that the idiots no longer live here (not in those words though) and haven't in very long time and he mumbles an apology and wishes me a great day.

Great day my ass! Not after that ordeal!! And ya know what..I could have swore I heard him chuckling once he got back to his truck...guess it was amusing right???

So yea, lesson learned I that I seem to learn 'em all the hard way though.. -The lesson of course being to never assume the "coast is clear" and to wear all your clothes when venturing out.-

Well that's all for now, join me next time for "Adventures in Noodleville" haha :-)


Near Death Experience..A "Must Read"

Original Post Date: July 12, 2007

Did you know Texas has FREAKISH bugs?? Thought I had seen them all until a few days ago....

Got bored one evening and decided to go out and mow the field..(Noodle Texas can get very boring at times.) I got this grand idea that if I mowed all the weeds down, then the actual grass just might grow (so far, I'm right..) After all, who wouldn't want a field of pretty green grass vs. a field full of ugly weeds??

Anywho, I'm mowing along, all zoned out in my own lil' world, when I see something black and orangeish dart out from my mower's path. Thought I was seeing things at first you see, because I'm in Texas...not the freaking outback of Australia. This was a spider, but not just any spider, it looked like a damn TARANTULA!! A bit bigger than the palm of my and fuzzy looking... and I'm not talking "cute fuzzy" I mean "SCARY FREAK" fuzzy!! The front section of his body was orangeish/tanish with the back being black like his creepy, mile long legs.

Obviously, based on this description you can imagine this critter was surely a man eater or something and I'm sure I looked quite yummy! I let go of the mower and take off running across the field, screaming like an idiot. I don't stop running until I reach the back corner of the field, and only then do I check to make sure the evil demon didn't chase me and get me cornered. Thankfully the coast was clear and he didn't follow me. So.... I hunt for a suitable weapon to take on one of these creatures..this being the biggest stick I could find...and slowly walk back to my mower, all the while scanning the ground to make sure he isn't lurking and waiting for me.

After checking the area carefully I decide that I won and scared him off...I'm quite sure he heard me coming with my stick and decided to find another field to haunt. I start my mower and once again continue to mow. Due to the horrid interruption though, I am denied the pleasure of zoning back into "la-la land" while I mow. Instead I'm chopping the weeds and scanning the ground. I don't want to be caught off guard again!!

Ten minutes into mowing I'll be damned if another freak doesn't pop out of the grass!!! But, I'm prepared this go around...My course of action??

Chase the lil' bastard with the mower until I manage to chop him into fuzzy spidery bits!! This plan turns out to be VERY effective and in the end, the creature met his demise a the end of my mighty mower blades..Yea, I rule!!

Once I have rid the field of this horrid thing, I stop the mower to admire my handy work....the spider is in fact dead...very dead..But my gosh you should see the field!!!! You'd be amazed at what a field looks like when you run around it with a mower...LOL....there were zig-zags and swirls of cut grass all over the place!!! Not a neat, manicured mow job at all...this goes to show I could never be employed by a golf course or landscaping company...Though I think Terminex outta give me a call.......

Needless to say, I spent the rest of my evening trying to mow everything even so proof of my brief moment of insanity would no longer be visible. Lord only knows what people would think if they saw my handy work....and I'm keeping my fingers crossed that the elderly woman who lives down from us didn't witness my Spider vs. Lawn Mower episode....

So anyways, anyone know what the heck this spider was and if it was in fact a tarantula or just a common spider on steroids?? I was unaware that we had Tarantula's lurking in Texas (granted, I don't set aside much time to study the insects of this area..) If it wasn't a tarantula, then the only logical guess would be that it was some freak science experiment gone wrong and then let loose on Texas to reek havoc on all unsuspecting mowers..

Mowers beware, the one that got away from me might just be in your yard..