Sunday, November 14, 2010

It's a SHOCKING kind of love!

As some of my past blog post may show, I have an odd sense of humor…. 

Thankfully I married a man who totally gets me and is touched with same warped goofiness as I am. 

We act a bit juvenile at times….constantly joking around with one another and the majority of our antics are the sort most folks just wouldn't “get”... 

Sarcasm is our language & it’s not uncommon for things like practical jokes, mock battles and water fights to spontaneously happen in this house….  In many ways, Jerimiah & I are complete opposites and I think the humor and the ability to goof off without reserve is what has held us together for almost 10 years.

These antics are the cause for my upcoming tale….

Typically, Jerimiah & I rarely have time together thanks to a job that has him traveling quite a bit these days…One rare weekend that he actually got to be home, we were sitting at the table after breakfast with my mom having some lighthearted debate (honestly cannot tell you what the discussion was even was about now). 

He chimed in with a random comment to which I replied: “Stooopid” in an exaggerated cartoony type voice. This of course was the start of one of our usual banters and my poor mother was already rolling her eyes at us….

For retaliation he playfully reached out to kick me in the shin…. However, his playful kick connected a lil better than he had planned and it hurt like the dickens! Of course, retaliation from me was in order and it was “on like Donkey Kong!”

We carried on like this for a while, harassing each other and at some point during all of this foolishness my mom decided to leave us to it…. In the end, I eventually scored the last bit in our game and went to go sort some laundry in the living room……

Of course I didn't let my guard down though…. I knew retaliation was coming in some form, despite the fake innocent look on Jerimiah’s face and false declarations of “truce”… . Perhaps retaliation would come in the form of a wedgie, or worse, maybe he’d tickle me to death….. I knew must remain ever vigilant, even while getting some necessary chores done…. I’m female after all and I rule the domain of multitasking!

It’s early in the day, kind of a lazy day with nothing very pressing, so I hadn't got around to putting my contacts in yet and I was basically blind. I see him enter the living room and he’s got that look. I KNOW he’s up to something and I’m NOT buying that sweet, innocent act. He acts perfectly normal, very nonchalant, and I return to my task….

I’m tense and ready for whatever trouble he’s got brewing in that mischievous mind of his….  I hear him approach quickly behind me, I spin and see the hand by his side start to rise and instinctively I reach out and grab it to thwart whatever he has planned…. I’m thinking there’s a mega wedgie in my future and I intend to turn the tables on him… The next thing I register is PAIN….

Pain! Hot, awful pain shoots through my palm and I hit the floor!! It burns and it feels like the very insides of my hand and arm are just buzzing with the intensity of the pain…. My brain is a bit fuzzy, trying frantically to catch up with the events around me….

Jerimiah is bent over me, very concerned, apologizing profusely and I’m sitting there thinking: “I am down, though last I recall I was up… .. I just peed my pants and I don’t know why”.

He’s actually getting on to me, scolding me, asking “Why did you do that?!?!”

Do WHAT I wonder….surely I didn't cause the burning in my hand and I dang sure did not intend to pee my pants….. I glance at my hand… it’s tingling now, the pain is starting to ease a bit and directly in the center of my palm are 2 glowing red dots side by side. Kind of like a miniature vampire bit me… A miniature vampire with hot fangs and the ability to make me relinquish control of my bladder …. There’s no blood or broken skin, only these dots and the first traces of bruising underneath the skin....

You’re wondering what on earth happened right?? Well I’ll break it down for you.

Hubby bought me a hand held taser, it’s not very big, and fits in your palm with the “on” button held upward for easy access for your thumb. It’s an ingenious lil device and though I've never been mugged, there is not a doubt in my mind that this sucker wouldn't stop someone dead in their tracks.

And before you go getting the wrong idea, NO my husband would never, ever willingly cause me pain of any sort. We kid around quite a bit, but never set out to hurt one another….that’s just warped. His intention was to sneak up behind me while I appeared to be so engrossed with the laundry, and pop the thing in the air, thus startling me with the loud, shocking noise. What he didn't factor into his plan is the fact that I was not engrossed in my task…I was on edge, waiting for his next move. Thanks to the lack of contacts, I couldn't see anything in his hand, just the hand….

So when I reached out, I grabbed his hand firmly –intending on taking full control of the situation- and in doing so, I pushed that button on the top of the taser. The current hits me, grabs me and holds on tight! My muscles seize, contract, forcing my hand to take an even tighter grip on the taser..... Poor hubby is trying very hard to get it away from me but I simply can’t let go. Literally, my hand was glued to that demon spawned, bladder emptying inferno…. After what feels like an insanely hot eternity (in all actuality, it was mere seconds), he finally wrestles the taser away from me and I hit the floor, hurt hand, wet pants and all.

He’s torn between worry, laughter and I think he’s a bit mad too. “Why on earth did you GRAB THE TASER CRYSTAL?” “What were you thinking?!” …”Are you okay?”…..”I am so sorry, let me see it”…

All the while I am slightly bewildered: “Why did you ELECTROCUTE me you jerk?!” “That’s not funny!” “The Taser is NOT a toy!” “And no I’m not okay, my hand hurts, my arm burns and I peed on myself!”

It took a bit for the SHOCK of it all to fade from my muddled brain and for me to realize what happened. You would think I would be angry, but once the pain ended, I found myself hysterically laughing at the entire situation. Of course I would be the only person to essentially tase myself!! Jerimiah spent half of the day apologizing at random and even offered for me to get a freebie on him as payback, which I declined. I must confess, some days I’m tempted to take him up on that offer, but somehow I think the offer to return the shock was kind of a one day, one shot kind of deal….

Not sure if there is any sort of moral or purpose to this story. Perhaps I could say: “Don’t be lazy and put your contacts in every day when you wake up” or “Tasers are not toys” ..or maybe even: “Be sure to empty your bladder before engaging in a battle of any sort” ….

Or I could go all sentimental on y’all and say: “Enjoy your loved ones, always be able to laugh at yourself and remember you’re never too old to play….though play involving tasers isn’t condoned nor is it recommended…take it from someone with 1st HAND experience!” 

Hardy har har....I know that was corny, but deal with it :)


Pam's Pride said...

I had tears coming down reading this! HAHAHAHAAAA!

Anonymous said...

Absolutely hysterical! Excellent post, so descriptive I was almost in tears! LOL

petey said...

I HURT from laughing so hard at this! I had to read this to my visiting son and his wife....too darn funny!!

* Crystal * said...

LOL Petey, happy y'all got a chuckle from it :)

Afterall, what good is pain unless something positive comes from it? I do wish I would have remembered to take a picture of my palm though.

You wouldn't believe how BRIGHT the red dots were....they appeared to glow :)

All funny now & its fun to say in an argument "Yea?! Well you tased me!" haha

Anonymous said...

I so need that laugh glad you are ok but that sounds like something that would happen to me around here, so you aren't alone in all that. My husband and I are always goofing off and when the kids are home they get in on it to and if something goes wrong mom is the one that gets hurt so I understand. Stay safe girl.