Monday, November 21, 2011

Sprays of Urine, Home Grown Gossamers & The Sunscreen

Once again I had one of “those days“…the exact kind of day that inspired my “Noodleville Adventures” almost 5 years ago…

Start off… Jerimiah got a very last minute, once in a life time opportunity to go on an elk hunt (and fly by private jet!) on a 42,000 acre ranch in Oregon and on my “To-Do” list that day was to finish up a bit of his laundry so he‘d be set to go.

I needed some help getting the buck's feet trimmed (the boys are in rut aren’t exactly easy to work with alone sometimes) so my mom agreed to come & stay for a few days while Jerimiah was away….. Which meant I needed to tidy up the house a bit…

So my “To-Do” list consisted of a quick bank trip, laundry, wishing for Mr. Clean to appear in my house, picking up the kids, homework, then shower & get the kids ready to go out to dinner with my father in law before he & my hubby left for their elk hunting trip the next morning…

Simple, uneventful plans.

Why oh why could it not be as simple as it sounds on paper?

What actually happened was this:

First Casper, one of my Lamancha girls (the wild one) escaped…My fault, I left a perfect step stool for her next to the fence and she happily went right over… She’s in season, been screaming like a lunatic and I’m keeping her from the boys (don’t want her bred yet)….

Anywho…she takes off and heads down the road. She won’t come to me and I surely can’t chase her… Finally took her sister, Comanche, out on a lead to entice her to come… Comanche acted as if me leading her down the road was some form of torture & did not do anything to make the task easier…. Long story short, almost 3 hours later I had Casper & Comanche safely contained once more. Though part of this trek included me carrying one idiot goat while dragging the other one…. Of course it was up a freaking hill too….

This put me behind on my chores quite a bit… Made a mad dash to the bank….Some bank error was going on……..showing the wrong name on my account… Took 30 minutes to fix it… A very quick trip turned into an hour & a half of time wasted (drive time wrapped up in that).

Finally get home to start cleaning…. Got the dishes done & glanced at the kitchen clock..

OMG! OMG! I’m late to get the kids!! How on earth could I be late to get the kids? I’m NEVER late!!!!!

Rush as fast as possible watching storm clouds roll in along the way…

Sit in the parking lot for 15 minutes before I realize that I did not adjust my kitchen clock and I’m in fact early…really early.

If I find whoever invented Daylight Savings Time, I’ll happily kick the fool right in the gut!!

Do I wait? Or do I go home? Contemplated waiting, but the storm clouds looked like a nasty one, so I decided to rush home, open the barn for the boys & get my round bale of hay covered & protected from the rain…

Lots of wasted time, wasted fuel, aggravation & I’m home with the kiddos, the clouds blew away, no rain, no noticeable house work done & I don’t have much time to get homework done & get ready to go out to dinner.

This my friends is where it all goes to hell.

I set the kids to their homework & go out to take care of the critters before dressing for dinner..

The feeder in the boys pen was broke…bent to fix it and in the process Sam decided to perfume himself… Hitting me with a steady, strong stream of urine in the process!! Hits my hair, shoulders and I feel this sickening warmth run right down my spine….

Stupid, stinking, nasty goat bastard!!!!!!

So now of course I have to wash my hair! I have longish hair, very thick, prone to messy waves & frizz…’s not easy to make it look civilized …It requires a flat iron to tame the masses. Flat ironing it takes forever.

Woo freaking hoo! As if I needed another thing to eat up my time, which at this point I no longer have any time to waste.

In the shower I hurry… in my rush I grabbed a bottle of water proof sunscreen instead of conditioner. Don’t ask me why it was sitting on the side of the tub…despite questioning, no one in the house knows how or why it was sitting there….

I’m slick & oily as a duck who waddled around in a tar pit.….three shampoos later & I still can’t get the damn sunscreen out…. My hair feels NASTY…can’t even run my fingers through it. I hop out of the shower & head for the kitchen for the Dawn dish soap…. You see those commercials of once oil slicked wild life happily restored thanks to Dawn… Had the images of adorable lil critters going through my head as I lathered up….

If you ever run a ginormous handful of waterproof sunscreen through your hair, Dawn is your ticket to clean hair…just FYI. Though you will be forced to deal with a dry, itchy scalp later… Cute lil critters don’t have that disclaimer on the stupid commercials!

I quickly check the kids homework & send them off to change out of their dirty school clothes while I tackle blow drying (I do so loathe the blow dryer & I’m really ticked at being forced to use the hand held cooking device!)….

Hair dried and doing it’s best to look like something off an awful hair band album cover… I really considered throwing it in a pony tail and putting on a ball cap…. But when I do that I look like a truck driver of an undetermined gender…. The look doesn’t flatter me at all so I decide I’ll flat iron just the front pieces and the top layer so it at least looks tame… I’m loving this plan and my hair actually looks ok.. Not great, but much better than looking like a gender confused truck driver.

Out to check on the kids….. Clayton changed his shirt….. then crawled under the porch to fetch a hidden egg & had what look suspiciously like chicken poop on his fresh shirt… dear, sweet Shayla was in her freaking Halloween costume!!!!

God why?!?!?!?!!?

I tell them both to just put their school clothes back on and wash their hands & face & go to get myself dressed.

Had a cute grey sleeveless top picked out to go with one of my few pairs of jeans that aren’t stained and ruined by mystery substances & possible unmentionables.

Oh, it actually looks semi cute!!
Oh wait!!
What’s that??

Oh, it’s only an armpit pelt!!

Damn it all to bloody hell!!!

In my frenzy to get the sunscreen out of my hair, I forgot to shave!!!! I’m sure my inlaws don’t want to sneak a peak at the armpit Gossamers I’ve been growing so I need a different shirt…. I don’t care that it was in the low 80’s… I found a blessedly clean long sleeve t-shirt & that’s what I wore…
Get everyone in the car & on the road I start to breathe again. I think:

“It’s all okay….mom changed my diapers, she’ll forgive the messy house”

”We’re only going out to a casual Mexican joint so the kids in school clothes is okay, even if they are a lil dirty from the play ground”

“My father in law isn’t picking up Jerimiah until tomorrow morning, so I have time to finish up the rest of his laundry tonight..”

Then the call comes…. Hubby letting me know that they are leaving after dinner instead of the following morning!!

Ok, I almost panic (I like everything planned & scheduled…deviations of any sort make me panic, no matter how trivial the deviation is, stupid yes, but it‘s one of my many character flaws)….. Instead I hit an ATM, get cash so hubby can buy a pack of socks (all the whites were in the washer… time to dry them) and meet my father in law, sister in law, her fella and all the munchkins for dinner.

Had a pleasant dinner, all went well, company was good, food was good..

Once the kiddos were in bed, hubby was on the road & I was sitting with mom watching TV I felt my sanity slowly, but surely seep back into me.
Yes, I had to chase, carry & threatened escapee goats, I wasted gobs of fuel & time running all over the place. I accomplished nothing on my to do list…

I suffered urine in my hair, on my skin and on my clothes…

I had a frustrating battle with various sudsy products in the shower trying to remove an impenetrable film of hair matting ick…
And yet, I made it to dinner, EARLY & civilized looking……even if I did have two lil Gossamers growing under my shirt!

Yea, that’s just the way I roll… I’m kind of awesome like that sometimes.


Anonymous said...

You nicknamed your armpit hair "Gossomer"????

ROFLMAO!!!! Thats certainly a first.....he was my fave character on Buggs Bunny but I dunno if Ican look @ him the same way again witgout picturing him as someones "armpit pelt" LOL

And the urine, I just don't even know what to say about that! Eeek.

Great blog, keep up the good work

petey said...

OMG!! I think I tore something laughing! ironic isn't it, how relating how YOUR day was ruined, can totally make someone else's?? LOL

Leigh said...

LOLOLOL!!! Isn't this the classic case of "the hurrieder I go, the behinder I get"???

* Crystal * said...

Anonymous- Thanks :) And yes of course patches of hair can be given names... lol

Petey- Yes ma'am it is! Happy to know some good came from that mess if a day :)

Leigh- LOL truer words have never been spoken (or typed) :)